Sticks and stones

So I have this friend. Most of you probably know who he is. But if you don't, don't ask. Anyway, he and I are supposed to be taking a pretty long break from each other. I don't really know how to deal with this besides writing it out on this here blog. Which is what this blog is for... my feelings, so deal with it. He'll get mad at me for talking about him, but I really just don't care anymore. Honestly I felt like I was being used but I was doing the same to him so I shouldn't feel that way. It's my fault and I accept that. It was just a bad situation we both needed to get out of. So that part of my life is done for a while. I haven't told him I loved him lately because frankly, I just can't afford to feel that way anymore. I mean, I have love for him. Is that a bad thing? To have love for someone but to not actually be in love with them? I don't think so... I believe you can love someone and be in love with someone else. Different types of love exist, it's just hard to explain it to people some times.

Anyway, what I wanted to talk to you about today was... crap. I can't remember. Let's go off on another tangent. My past relationships have all been less than okay. I mean, I've only ever had two serious boyfriends. My first one was my first everything. My first milestones in my life were all with him and I was really young. Yay for living with bad choices!- Said no one ever. As for this most recent one, I tried to be friends with him but it just wasn't ever going to work. He knew that, but I apparently didn't. He was so intent on making sure it wouldn't work out as friends. he couldn't get past the fact that we were "exes", which is fine, but he went in with a mind set that it wasn't going to work and so it didn't. Whatever. I was so intent on keeping him happy because I convinced myself that if I could make him happy, then I would be too. I was suffering by my own hand. My own doings. And I blame myself. Maybe I wasn't the best I could be. But I can't say that, no. I know I deserve better than how I was being treated in return.

It would come to the point where I would tell myself that if I can make him smile, maybe I wouldn't feel so badly about myself because I'd be what he was smiling about. But then I remembered things he'd say, the things he'd do with other people that he would never tell me about. He figured if I didn't ask, he wouldn't be lying. He would just be keeping secrets. I'd find out on my own that he'd intentionally ignore me to go hang out with his friends, or to be with someone else. He defined our "relationship" in such a way to where he could do whatever he wanted, even if it meant being with another girl and I'd have no right to say or ask about it, even though he would still have relations with me. He made sure to keep me a secret in his life. Well fuck that. This guy... He'd never invite me anywhere with his friends. I felt like he was ashamed of me all the time. That I wasn't worth the time or effort to be put into making a relationship work. Seriously, how fucked up am I that I try to do all I can to make someone happy, but when it comes to me, I'm not worth fighting for? I felt like that. Every. Single. Day.

I thought  if he really wanted to be with me, he would be. I shouldn't feel this terrible if I love someone. I was going to make a bold move. I was tired of worrying about him, about who is he with? Is he okay? I really hope nothing bad happened to him while he was driving.  I try not to come off as that clingy girl, I genuinely care that much about people, it's not just him. That's just how I am. Even if it's an acquaintance, I think,  I really hope they're safe on their way home. I'm just caring in that way. I don't care if it comes off clingy, that's just me. I wanted to say, choose me or lose me. But he never let me ask. He wanted to lose me. He wanted no part of me until he didn't feel he needed me anymore, everything was always on his terms.

He was homeless, friendless, hopeless. What did I care for that? I stuck through everything with him and I wasn't worth the time or the effort to even be given a chance to prove that I could help him or care for him... That's what I get though right? That's exactly what I get. I deserved it. I know. I was just an ex, I wasn't actually enough to be considered anything more than that. Here I am, just an 18 year old girl who's in college in a different state, with her own set of problems to work through. I understand that. Maybe I'm a little too understanding. Please keep in mind, I'm just venting. I'm not looking for criticism, I'm not looking for help, or comments. But since this is public, I suppose I deserve feedback of the sort and should expect it. I suppose I deserve that too. I don't deal with things lightly. I don't just waste time with people for the hell of it. No. I genuinely love and care for him, but I need to stop wasting my energy on something that will never happen. I need to accept the reality and stop hoping. Hope. Such a wasteful thing in life. I don't ever want to rely on hope. It's let me down far too often. All it does is make a cliff even higher, so when you fall, it's even harder. Me writing this is part of that process. If I can write it out, then I can come to terms with it.

I had a tough childhood. I've had things happen to me that were unwarranted by no means of my own, but I try not to let my past dictate my future. So I put aside those feelings of self-loathing and hatred that I have towards myself and create a new outlet... I love people and cherish them. Everyday I honestly pray to the Lord saying thank you! Please let everyone be okay. Bless them if not me, and guide me in through this life. Please, don't abandon me. I reflect back through the day before I sleep thinking, "If I die tonight, will I have left everyone on a good note? Will I leave everyone I've come into contact today.... with a smile?" I think that every night. I care about people. I really do. And if that's clingy, then fine, so be it.

I shouldn't let that define me. I let it get the best of me though. I always blame myself first to give people the benefit of the doubt. To say I'm the problem, because if I can fix myself then everything will work. But this time, it's not me. It's the situation. It's just more harm than good that comes from my knowing him. I would cry because I felt I wasn't worthy to be loved or cared for. I would cry because that's the only way I know how to deal with this. I don't whimper, I don't scream, or yell. I just let the tears roll down. I comfort myself because I'm the only person i can count on. The reality is this, that I was just an object to be used. I'm a woman after all, it's part of society's nature to objectify women because that's just how it works. It happens. I honestly felt that way for the longest time. That it was all my fault. That I'm the reason for my own unhappiness. I had no one to blame but myself. Which is true, yes. I should have let him go a long, long time ago. But I let my heart get the best of me. I actually am glad I acknowledge this, because there will come a day where I won't feel that way. When I meet my soul mate. The one He has in store for me. I just need to wait a little longer.

I know I probably sound like a whiny bitch who didn't get what she wanted. Well, I try not to come off like that. I try not to be that way. Honestly, this is written entirely out of heartbreak. Out of sadness and out of shame for letting it happen to me again. He's proved time and time again that he's just like the rest of them. I will stop settling, because it's obviously, not worth it. I deserve better than to be someone's fallback when things get rough. I deserve to have someone actually try to make me happy. I think I do anyway. It helps me, because I hope to be someone who is worthy of that when the time comes. I want to be able to say, "I love you," and not need to hear it back to know that they love me too. I just need to wait. These sticks and stones break my bones, but bones will heal, the heart just takes a little longer, but that too will heal in time. I just need to wait.

FINALS WEEK

So the title is pretty self-explanitory. I have finals next week for my first semester in college. I hate the fact that I've let my grade in Biology slip up. :/ ButI better focus on my other subjects to make sure I don't sacrifice one for another again. I have two exams tomorrow, one for Pre-Calculus and one for Chemistry. I'm so nervous for both of them since I haven't been in class in almost a month. I've been having to adjust to how my body has been deciding to shut down on me lately.

I was admitted to the emergency room over a week ago. Sorry for not filling you in. I woke up ready to board a plane when I had intense pains in my stomach. It felt like there was a balloon expanding in my rib cage and it felt hard to breathe. My mom drove me to the emergency room where they saw me, asked me the usual questions. It was the first time I was ever in an emergency room where they laid me down on a stretcher and I was genuinely scared. They gave me an ultrasound before administering any medication. I'm pretty sure the woman taking my ultrasound was pressing as hard as she could on my gall bladder. I was in constant pain for 2 hours at that point. There was no dwindling of pain, or any moment of relief in-between spasms I was getting. Just the consistent feel of something trying to break my ribs from the inside. I went back and they finally gave me pain medication. I got an IV and honestly, I fucking hate needles. They gave me morphine and for me, it felt like I had been paralyzed and there was a long hot wire forcing its way up my right arm, across my chest, down and up my left arm and continued this way into my other ligaments. I felt this throughout my entire body for the first what seemed like 30 seconds. Followed by it, was a wave of cold air all over.

My mom suffers from migraine headaches. Every woman on my moms side does. Going to the emergency room a couple of times a month was a normalcy to my family ever since I could remember. We knew how the procedure went. Mom wakes up complaining and in pain, my dad getting up after only an hour of sleeping after getting back from work at 3 am. Me and my brother get up and put shoes on, grab a pillow for the car ride and something to do. Drive a half hour out to Bellflower at 4 am on a school day. Arrive at the emergency room and wait for two hours. Once 6 am hit, I had to get to high school for 0 period since I was in band. Me and my dad would drive back while my brother just came along for the ride since he'd go back with my dad. I'd get home, me and my brother would get ready for the day, and my dad would wait until I got picked up by a friend to take me to school and I'd go, while at the same time, him and my brother would be on their way back to the hospital to pick up my sedated mom to bring her home and drop Andrew off at middle school by 8 am.

That was the majority of my high school experience. I missed a lot of school due to this and my own illnesses. Now that I'm in college, my brother is in high school and helps my mom more than I ever could. Most of the time, I was part of the reason she'd get a headache from worrying about me breaking the family curse. What's the family curse you ask?

Well... It's necessary that you know a little backstory. My dad, Romeo, (haha, I know. Now shut up. -.-) got his first girlfriend knocked up while he was 18 and he never graduated high school because he became a dad to my older now ex-communicated brother Adrian Torres. Then, my dad left his mom because she went crazy on him and planned on getting knocked up to keep him, but instead he left her and started paying life support. Then he met another woman, and made way for my older sister Melody whom I love dearly. Her mom was crazy too so he was paying child support for two kids when he met my mom. My poor mom met both his son and daughter and married him before having me. Now, I tell you this so you know, this only runs on his side of the family. My mom never finished high school because she needed to take care of herself, and her two sisters from starving so she only made it to the 10th grade. My dad was just a knuckle-head and became a dad instead.

Now, the curse, is that no Torres child has; graduated high school, made it to 18 without a kid, or went to college. My dad had a kid, got his GED, and went straight into manual labor. Adrian, had a kid, never graduated high school, and dropped out of trade school. My sister was close, she was knocked up, but she still graduated from La Serna high, barely passing after failing her first two years at another school. But you know, I love her and I love my nephew James. Plus, she went to community college for a bit but couldn't handle it with her son and got a couple of jobs instead. So what did I do? I graduated high school with honors, I do not have a kid, and I'm a freshman here at Whitworth University.  I may be struggling a bit, but I'm doing the best on my own despite how much I've gone through this first semester already. So, I broke the curse. It made me trying to have a boyfriend very difficult in high school but I don't need one anyway. It wasn't ever like I was going to find my future husband at the age of 17 anyway. Oh and I graduated at the age of 17. haha. That could have had a part in why I broke the curse, I don't know. All I know is that simply being here is an accomplishment for me.

Now to the main topic of finals.... Fuck. I'm so unprepared. haha. I have finals for chemistry and pre-calculus. I have to do a visual argument and research paper for my writing class. I'm only worried about chemistry to be honest since I suck ass when it comes to science. Not being able to go to class since I've been put on all this medication and now have a restricted diet really bugs the crap out of me. I will make 2nd semester count though. <3 I will only be doing gen eds but I will be doing them in my favorite fields of study. :) I'm looking forward to finals. I will do my best and get through it all. Until we meet again,

GOOD LUCK!!!

bis später mit liebe, -Julsie <3